I am like so stunned to find out that President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, in the good old USA, and apparently has a long form birth certificate to prove it.
I was sure that he was actually hatched in a laboratory deep in the mountains of Tora Bora, a genetic avatar funded with ill-gotten billions by Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda in a half-century long plot to bring down the United States of America from within through a diabolical program of excessive taxation, government funded death squads--I mean, Obamacare, sneaky Liberal amoralism and cigarette smoking. Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump all told me so.
(Also developed in that secret lab deep in the mountains of Tora Bora? Donald Trump's hairdo.)
Now, it turns out that President Obama is just a regular American dickweed like the rest of us. He likes beer, the Chicago White Sox, Star Trek and Motown. None of that previous list makes him either a terrorist or a socialist. It actually makes him both a geek and "The Neighbor Next Door Who Is Slightly Better Read and Better Looking Than You." He does not speak French. He does like long walks on the beach (preferably while shirtless) and earnest discussions of economic policy. He's just like us, except, you know, he's The Most Powerful Brotha on the Planet. Word!
Can we please now round up all the Birthers and ship them directly to the loony bin so that we can have a frank, thoughtful discussion about the direction of the country, Obama's strengths and weaknesses and how to keep the Chinese from owning us lock, stock and barrel? It is unfathomable that we have spent a good portion of Obama's first (only?) term actually discussing whether or not he should legally be the president of the United States. You know who shouldn't have been the President of the United States? George W. Bush, who probably lost in 2000, but five thugs in black robes ended that discussion when it was just getting started.
Yeah, that's right, 11 years and I'm still not over that shit. If the Arabs and Jews can be at each other's throats for over 3,000 years, then I think my little eleven year grudge should qualify me for the Nobel Peace Prize.
But I digress--it has been suggested, by myself and a lot of people a whole lot smarter than me, that in any given time a democratic nation gets exactly the leadership they deserve. I don't know if that's true anymore, but sometimes I wonder if Obama, for all his weaknesses, is still a better president than we deserve.
And don't get me started about the wackadoos the Republicans have so far put forth for 2012--we have a whole year and a half to dissect that, although the mere thought of the next election makes me want to ball up in the fetal position and just cry. (Which is probably what candidate Newt Gingrich's ex-wife did after he served her divorce papers while she was in the hospital with cancer. Just sayin'.)
President Barack Hussein Obama, citizen of the United States. What took him so long to tell us what we already knew?
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A Few Quick Hitters
I'm tired of hearing about who the first pick of the NFL Draft might be on Thursday night (April 28th). The only time I want to hear the words "draft" and "NFL" in the same sentence are when I go to my wife's work to do the annual fantasy league draft because the motherfucking players and owners finally settled on how to share their $9 billion booty and they've started playing again.
Todd Helton = not done yet.
I hear some chick named Kate and some dude named Andrew are getting married in London on Friday. Is this the setup for the upcoming Hangover sequel? Why am I hearing so much about this?
There are 38 candidates running for the late Carla Madison's District 8 Denver City Council seat. I really, really hope that the "Rent Is Too Damn High" guy from New York is one of them. He might be not be eligible to serve, but he's just too irresistable not to vote for.
What is it with the associates of current and ex-Bronco players getting so stabby? I thought gun control was an issue, but apparently I should start worrying about knives, shivs and shanks as well.
You've been a great audience. Please, tip your wait staff. If you are wait staff, please do not spit in the soup. Thank you!
Peace...
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