I think the next President of the United States will be a woman and I hope to God its not Sarah Palin.
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Everyone is so sick of all the political advertising...for weeks now, entire commercial breaks are devoted to one political candidate after another slamming their opponent (and rarely saying why they're so qualified for the job). Every local race has it's own peculiar flavor and tactics. In Colorado, all of the "non-attack" ads make a point of showing Candidate X, Y or Z either standing in a field, or on a dirt road, with the Rocky Mountains in the background, preferably while wearing a Cowboy hat and jeans. Last night during Saturday Night Live, I saw three commercials in a row that used some variation of this motif, one for Betsy Markey, the next for John Hickenlooper and then one for John Salazar. That shit was hilarious! Seriously, they should have all ended the commercial by driving off in either their pickup truck or a Subaru Outback. I want to see a Colorado candidate walk out in front of a failed savings and loan, while wearing a top hat and a bow tie and say, "I'm so-and-so and I approve this message, and I'm not from here, but judging by Colorado's 9% unemployment rate, declining quality of education and some of the wackadoos you have running for office, you probably need an out-of-town dandy such as myself to come in a set your affairs straight. Vote for me, blah blah blah..." Really, it couldn't be any worse.
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If political blogging had existed in the 19th century, I'm sure the American political system would not have made it to today. Picture the following scene, between rival "bloggers" before the election of 1860. (Please, don't lecture me on the irony of me posting this in my blog--I'm aware!):
John McTwilliger walks up to the big oak tree in the town square with a hammer and nail in one hand and a long piece of parchment paper in the other. His friend, Donny McGuillacuddy, accompanies him.
DONNY: What are you up to John?
JOHN: Hold on a second Donny old boy, I have to post my blog.
(John takes the paper and holds it aginst the oak tree with the nail at the top. He hands the hammer to Donny.)
JOHN: Hit send.
(Donny nails the paper to the tree.)
DONNY: What's this about?
JOHN: The election. I'll read it out loud for all to hear--
(John clears his throat and then begins to read his post in a loud voice).
JOHN: "Citizens, can we really trust President James Buchanan? This 'bachelor' president--and, why is it that he's not married?--this man twiddles his pinkie over his tea while the rancor between North and South reaches a fever pitch! It makes me wonder if Buchanan is secretly a Redcoat! His fey, aristocratc bearing and British sounding name bespeaks to the fact that if this nation goes to war with itself, who stands to benefit? The British Empire, that's who! And then dowdy Queen Victoria and her pompous biscuit eaters can swoop in and do what they failed to do during the Revolution and again forty-eight years ago--they can step on the neck of the American Eagle with their jackboots and turn us all into the Queen's subjects again!! And I say no, NO SIR to imperialism!! A vote for Buchanan is a vote for the Queen to come in and tax us to death and tell us what to do! Vote Abe Lincoln in '60!!" (then, sotto voce) A message from John, of the Americans To Support the Liberty of Americans, not officially affiliated with the Republican Party.
DONNY: (fuming) I had no idea you felt this way! This gives me an idea...
(Donny runs off...an hour later, he returns to the tree with his post. John is there and he points to his post.)
JOHN: Look! Five people "like" my post!
DONNY: Really? Well, we'll see what people think of your post after they hear about mine! (Donny nails his post under John's and begins to loudly read from it.)
DONNY: "Who is the real Abe Lincoln? Why is he opposed to the rights of states to determine for themselves the slavery question? Who is he really working for? Why does he want to extend the fingers of big government even further into our pockets and into our homes? What's he hiding under that beard and tall top hat? Citizens, I'll tell you what--Abraham Lincoln...IS A NEGRO!! Yes, yes! This is why he wants to abolish slavery wholesale! This is why he covers his face with a beard! This is why his nose is so big and why he stands so tall, like the infamous Tutsi of the distant Dark Continent! Don't be fooled by his pretty words and stirring oratory! This is not a CHANGE that you want. Americans...once we go black, we will NEVER GO BACK!! Re-elect James Buchanan and protect your freedom--not to mention our white women!" (then, sotto voce) A message from Donny, of the Freedom for States and All Citizens Movement, not officially affiliated with James Buchanan.
Then Donny and John get into a fist fight while all about them a hullaballoo breaks out. End scene.
Ah...just imagine it. Where would we be now if all that had come to pass? I guess we'll find out soon enough.
Peace...
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