*-yes, that is my longest blog header ever.
At the final GOP debate before the Iowa caucuses in January, candidate Fred Thompson expressed outrage at the moderator's gimmick of reducing a complex and important question about whether the candidates believed in global warming or not to a simple raising of hands. Good for him. In that spirit, I now have several one liners which will tell you everything you need to know about all of the presidential candidates from both parties. Who needs in-depth analysis when some well-worded snark will suffice?
THE REPUBLICANS
Mike Huckabee - the accidental frontrunner in Iowa is really running for vice-president, he just doesn't know it yet. Still, all that evangelical love can take you pretty far.
Mitt Romney - he makes white bread look exciting. And although everyone tries to pretend they're cool with it, being Mormon is eventually going to knock him out of this fight.
Rudy Guiliani - yes, he really is as much of an asshole as he seems. No, he wasn't as good a mayor of New York as the media tells you he was. God help us if he gets in.
Fred Thompson - DONG DONG! (Sometimes it's too easy).
John McCain - integrity...experience...war veteran...intelligence...generally moderate. Nah, he doesn't have a chance.
Mike Gravel - who?
Alan Keyes - calling him an Uncle Tom would be a disgrace both to uncles and guys named Tom.
Tom Tancredo - when I initially posted this blog, I forgot all about Tom "Half A Taco" Tancredo. He's a one issue candidate. What's the issue? What an idiot he is.
THE DEMOCRATS
Hillary Clinton - the Democratic front runner and the candidate who still has raised the most money. Problem is, she could raise the most money for the Republican opposition too.
Barack Obama - the most inspiring and perhaps the most intelligent candidate, he must continue to answer questions about his relative lack of experience. Of course, John F. Kennedy had about the same amount of experience and we know how that turned out--oh, wait a minute...
John Edwards - those teeth, that hair, those dimples! If only it were 2004...
Bill Richardson - in many ways, the most well-rounded candidate. Yes, unfortunately that is also a pun.
Joe Biden - America's angry old uncle, he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore. Since he hasn't raised a lot of money, that won't be much longer.
Dennis Kucinich - Keebler is missing an elf (and the elf is angry!)
Chris Dodd - so bland, he makes Mitt Romney look like a rock star (see above).
STILL LURKING, BUT AS YET NOT RUNNING
Al Gore (D) - His potential campaign slogan: "I've got a Nobel Peace Prize, bitches!"
Condoleeza Rice (R) - she's black and she's a woman, so she automatically one-ups both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. But would her secret, dirty love with Dubya come out into the open?
Newt Gingrich (R) - You think the rest of the world laughs at Dubya? What if we had a president named Newt?
As Britney might say, Peace y'all!
No comments:
Post a Comment